


You Had ONE Job

by PandoraButler



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Izuo - Freeform, M/M, Shizaya - Freeform, drrr - Freeform, durarara - Freeform, izaya x shizuo - Freeform, one nsfw chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22273309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandoraButler/pseuds/PandoraButler
Summary: Shinra pleads Izaya to help a guy out and get Shizuo a date...what he doesn't realize is that Izaya is going to /be/ that date.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo & Orihara Izaya, Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Shinra sat in his living room. He was contemplating the meaning of life, as one does. His good friend ol' pal Shizuo Heiwajima had been extremely irritated over the past few days. This wasn't your usual irritated Shizuo, no, this was a lean green fighting machine on steroids Shizuo. He'd gotten way more injuries in the past week then he had in the past month. Shinra was concerned, as well as fuckin annoyed this asshole didn't go to any _real_ doctors.

How should he get Shizuo back to normal? How does one get Shizuo back to normal? What _is_ normal for Shizuo? Maybe this _was_ his normal; Shinra just hadn't noticed before. Everything was so complicated. Shizuo himself wasn't normal so the solution to this issue wasn't to get him back to normal...it was to get Shizuo to be more normal. But, how? The underground doctor kept thinking and thinking but the idea just wouldn't form. 

Then suddenly, a knock. A magical knock on his door that would change the course of history forever. It would grant him the holiest of ideas, (not instantly but still...it would eventually). Shinra opened the door and groaned. "I know you have anger issues but this is excessive."

Shizuo stood there covered in blood from head to toe. The amount was far too much. He looked a bit apologetic, but no amount of apologies was going to change the fact that he was still here. "I'm sorry to keep bothering you. You're the only doctor I know though," Shizuo said. Shinra sighed. He allowed the fake blonde into his apartment, but his mind was still trying to formulate ideas. He sighed again. Shizuo came by everyday with more and more injuries, if Celty were here she would beat him into shape. Celty! A _girlfriend_! That's what Shizuo needed!

"When was the last time you had a girlfriend?" Shinra inquired. Shizuo looked puzzled. This question was a bit out of nowhere. It's not like Shizuo didn't have the change to get a girlfriend before. There were people that liked him enough to ask him out. He just wasn't interested. Well, no, that was a lie, he was interested but he was too afraid of his superhuman strength to date anyone. How would a girl like a monster like him? It didn't seem real, so he refused every time. 

"I've never had a girlfriend."

Shinra was dumbstruck. _Never_? No wonder he was so pent up with anger (among other things). Shinra shook his head and sighed. For shame. He was half tempted to send Shizuo off into the red-light district but he knew Shizuo wasn't the type to go there. He wouldn't have this problem in the first place if he was. Wait a minute.

"When was the last time you released your sperm into the world?" Shinra asked, innocently curious.

"What?"

"Let off a load?" Shizuo still looked confused.

"When was the last time you jacked off, you dumb fuck," Shinra mentally facepalmed. 

"Is it really necessary for you to know that?" Shizuo cringed. 

"Ah ha!" Shinra pointed at Shizuo's crotch. "That reluctant answer was enough to tell me your dick has needs! You haven't gotten laid in far too long! We have to change that, right now, go out into the world and find yourself a woman!" Shinra quickly patched Shizuo up and pushed him out the door. He wasn't joking. Shizuo seriously needed to get out more and stop fighting all of the time. What Shinra didn't realize is that Shizuo was already in-love with a certain someone. A certain know-it-all information broker. That's right folks, our boy Shizuo is just a big ol' tsundere. He recently found out about his feelings and it has been putting him on edge. Thus, it was _because_ of love that he had been so out of hand. 

"Or a guy, or whatever you're into for that matter," Shinra continued. "But you have to have sex, no ifs ands or buts, unless you like butts. What the fuck am I saying? What the fuck are you making me say? Get the hell out of my house and go on a date you pent up bastard," Shinra opened the door and gestured for Shizuo to leave. He didn't have to be told twice. 

"I don't think this is really a good idea," Shizuo made his way out the door. Shinra wasn't going to accept no for an answer. 

"No isn't an option," he said. His tone was one a mother would have when scolding her child. "You're going to get fucked and you're going to like it," he pointed at Shizuo and closed the door, making sure to slam it for emphasis. 

Shinra immediately opened the door and dragged Shizuo back in. Here it was. Here was his big idea. The moment of the century. The hallelujah epiphany. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number, you know the one.

"Hello? Izaya? Yes, this is Shinra, I need your help with something," Shinra spoke and Shizuo overheard. Shizuo didn't hear the rest of the conversation completely. His heart rate increased. His mind overflowing with a bundle of emotions. Izaya? Did he just say Izaya? He did, didn't he? Shit. Shit fucking shit. Shinra seriously just called up Shizuo's crush to get him to find someone else? Shizuo questioned all of his life's choices up until that moment. 

Shinra hung up and smirked deviously. "Take a seat on the couch, I'm not letting you leave until he arrives."

"Why should I?" Shizuo crossed his arms. Shinra continued smiling, he grabbed the collar of Shizuo's face and brought it closer to his. He glared. 

"Because I'm a fucking underground doctor, you shithead. I patched you up so many times the least you can do is go along with my plan. Or, would you rather I break every damn bone in your body whilst naming them. Try getting out of my apartment with broken legs." Shinra released Shizuo and smiled wholeheartedly. "Understand?"

"Under-fucking-stood." 

"Perfect," Shinra led the way to the couch. "Now take a seat."


	2. Chapter 2

"Your lord and savior has arrived, yes, that's right, it's me, bitches," Izaya opened the door to Shinra's place and smiled (although, it was more of a smirk. Shizuo hadn't seen Izaya smile genuinely, not yet, but he would, probably). Did Izaya have a key? Or did he just pick the lock? These two questions would haunt Shinra's mind for the remainder of the day. Perhaps he should invest in a new security system (as if that would work). 

"Thanks for coming," Shinra began. "I'm really sick and tired of this bastard showing up on my doorstep. Make sure he has a good time, okay?" 

"What about my payment?" 

"Oh, right, _that_ , no payment before results," Shinra took a step back. He looked a bit uncomfortable at the suggestion of payment. Shizuo didn't understand that the 'payment' Izaya was talking about was a kiss. It was a discount deal. One little kiss for a favor. Izaya had said it as a joke but now he was cashing in. Shinra hated that he agreed so easily. Why didn't he think that through?

"No results until after the payment," Izaya took a step forward. Shinra took a step back until there were no more steps to take. Izaya placed his hand right on the base of Shinra's neck and pushed his head forward. Their lips collided and Izaya took this wonderful opportunity to mess with Shizuo. Originally he was just going to lightly kiss Shinra, a nice little peck on the cheek, but now he was feeling a bit more mischievous, the time for tongue has arrived. 

Shinra pushed Izaya away and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his lab-coat. He hated himself for getting caught up in the moment. Damnit. He had the wonderful Celty, he shouldn't be concerned about battling it out with a massive prick like Izaya. "I agreed to a kiss, not a mouth fucking!" 

"You say tomato," Izaya shrugged, "I say tomato," he snickered. "You didn't say I _couldn't_..." Izaya averted his gaze and turned back to Shizuo. The expression on the fake blonde's face was marvelous. It was better than Izaya could've ever imagined. He put a hand over his mouth to suppress the laughter but it didn't work. He started laughing hysterically. 

"Your face! Priceless!" Izaya held his stomach. It was too good! Tears began to form at the edges of his eyes. He couldn't help it. Shizuo frowned. He didn't enjoy witnessing the guy he was in love with kissing another guy. But, he knew that Izaya was just messing with him. He felt stupid for getting angry. Shinra wasn't competition. Shinra had Celty. His brain knew this but his anger was still there. 

"Damn flea," Shizuo muttered. Now that he thought about it, something was _different_ about Izaya. He stared at the bastard a bit more carefully. Something was off. He couldn't figure out what. Did he get a haircut or some shit? 

"Do you want me to strike a pose? Perhaps you want to take a picture? That'll last longer," Izaya said. 

"You look different," Shizuo blurted out. 

"Do I?" Izaya looked to Shinra for clarification. "I haven't gotten plastic surgery or anything. My hair is a bit long but..." Izaya played with his bangs for a moment. Shizuo hated that he thought that was cute, even just a little bit. 

Shinra stared at Izaya intently. "Yeah, I get it, there is something a bit different about you. I feel like it's obviou-" Shinra clapped his hands together. "I got it! You're not wearing your stupid coat!" 

"'Stupid coat'? I don't want to hear that from someone who wears the same lab-coat every day. Do you _ever_ wash that thing?" Izaya rolled his eyes. "But, you're right. I'm not wearing my standard asshole-jacket," he shrugged. 

"Lab-coats are meant to be worn! Don't judge me!" Shinra frowned. "How come _you_ get to call it an asshole-jacket but get upset when I say 'stupid coat'?" Shinra muttered and crossed his arms. 

"Jackets are meant to be worn too," Izaya stuck his tongue out. Shizuo only proceeded to think about why the jacket made so much of a difference. Izaya was the same person with or without his damn jacket. Why did he seem like a different one now? The rest of his outfit was the same. He was still wearing that damn belt of his, those rings, and the standard black attire with a v-neck shirt. 

"Why aren't you wearing your jacket?" Shizuo asked. Maybe that would help him understand.

"Oh, what's this? Shizu-Chan is interested in knowing something about me?" 

Shizuo rolled his eyes, "Forget I asked."

"No, no, I will gladly educate you," Izaya grinned. "The human brain is a very tricky thing. It only notices what it _wants_ to notice. You can know someone for years wearing only one-thing and once they change out of it...you don't recognize them at all. That's why both of you were so confused about what changed. You've known me for how long? And couldn't pinpoint it? Because your brain only sees what it _wants_ to see. Thus, imagine all of the people that don't really know me. They see the coat when their brain looks for the coat and go 'Ah, Izaya Orihara!' But, if they see me, right here flesh and blood, without a coat, they go 'Who the fuck?'"

"That makes a weird amount of sense," Shizuo admitted. 

"Exactly," Izaya took a step forward and placed his hands on Shizuo's shoulders. "Which makes it perfect for covert operations like going out with your nemesis.~" 

"Going out?" Shizuo muttered. He couldn't stop his mind from imagining a different context. Dates. Dating. Love. Shizuo was a huge romantic, who knew? 

Izaya grabbed Shizuo's hand and led him out the door. "Bye Shinra! I'll be sure to do everything you wanted and more!~" he waved. Shinra waved too. The doctor sincerely hoped that this plan of his was going to work. His clients couldn't keep being postponed because of an issue with a friend. 

"We can't have you going out like this. Time to get you some new clothes," Izaya smiled. It wasn't his usual 'I'm going to fucking blackmail the shit out of you' grin. It wasn't quite genuine either. A bit of an awkward in-between kinda smirk.

"Why do I need to change?" 

"Didn't you hear a word I said? You can't try to pick up a chick looking like Shizuo Heiwajima, Shizu-Chan. You have to look more _casual_. Do you want them all to run away because they recognize you? Plus, who the fuck goes to a bar dressed as a bartender?" Izaya had some good points. Shizuo couldn't deny that. 

"Also, have you _seen_ the way you look? You've got blood all over your clothes," Izaya shook his head. Shizuo was a real idiot. 

"Ah, you have a point." Shizuo had forgotten all about that. His pain was numbed by all of the pain meds and his brain was too busy thinking about the date with Izaya. 

"Obviously," Izaya said. He dragged Shizuo to the nearest store, (still holding his hand, mind you). He grabbed a bunch of shit off of the shelves and threw it at Shizuo for him to try on. It was almost as if he'd walked into this store thousands of times pondering what would look good on the man. But, this was Izaya, he would never admit to such a thing...


	3. Chapter 3

"Nope," Izaya said, being sure to pop the P. "That doesn't look right on you either." Izaya placed a hand on his chin and stared intently at Shizuo. Something was off, yep, the purple shirt and the navy jeans just didn't look right him. Should he be wearing lighter colors? Or was Izaya just overthinking it? 

"This is the 10th store and the 50th outfit you've made me try on," Shizuo rolled his eyes. He wasn't losing his mind, but he was staring to think he might. "You've already made me take off my sunglasses, I'm not trying on anything else."

"Now, now, Shizu-Chan, don't get so aggravated," Izaya laughed. "I'm sure we can find something you look good in." Izaya continued looking through the racks of clothing. 

"I told you, I'm not trying on anything else," Shizuo walked over to the counter and paid for the clothes he was already wearing. He ripped off the tags and threw out his other outfit. "Are you coming?" he asked whilst opening the door. 

"No, but I expect to later," Izaya mumbled. The neighboring cashier let out a laugh. Izaya winked. 

"Are you seriously just going to stand there?" Izaya didn't answer the question so Shizuo rolled his eyes and walked over to grab his hand. He walked right out the door immediately, without looking back. 

"That's no fun," Izaya tried to catch up but Shizuo was taller, and angry like usual. 

"Where are we going next?" Shizuo asked, ignoring the comment completely. 

"A bar, obviously," Izaya answered. He yanked his hand out of Shizuo's and pulled out his phone. "Do you want to go to a strip club, a regular club, a bar, a sports bar, or uh, sushi bar, veggie bar, salad bar?" Izaya asked while he scrolled through the nearest ones. 

"Why are we going to a bar?" 

"Damn, you really are a blonde at heart, aren't you?" Izaya sighed. He put his phone back in his pocket and looked Shizuo right in the eyes. "You do know that is the #1 place to find a girl, right? Have you ever even heard of the phrase 'one night stand'? Please tell me Shinra wasn't asking for me to be a damn matchmaker." Izaya ran a hand through his hair and looked around. The streets of Ikebukuro were wild, like usual. The nearest place wasn't going to be fantastic but it was the shortest walk. 

Izaya led the way and Shizuo followed albeit reluctantly. He was hoping he wouldn't have to suffer through this matchmaking process. He was enjoying his time with Izaya, even if they'd only gone around to random stores. It was a change of pace. It was nice not having to throw a vending machine at him to keep up appearances of his hatred. 

"I suppose, if you really don't want to go to bar, you could always just go on a date with Vorona. She likes you, doesn't she? You could take some selfies and send them to Shinra, problem solved," Izaya shrugged. Shizuo felt a feeling of dread. He couldn't exactly tell Izaya he was in love with him...so what was he supposed to say to that? 

"It would be too weird to date a co-worker," Shizuo lied. It was a lame excuse but whatever works, right? Izaya looked skeptical. His eyes paused on Shizuo's for a bit longer than usual. 

"Ah, here we are," Izaya inhaled deeply. "The place where you get to see every type of human in one spot. Have you ever people watched, Shizu-Chan? It's quite fun, really."

"So that's why you wanted to come here," Shizuo mumbled. He sat down at the bar table. Izaya sat down right next to him. He leaned over to talk, invading Shizuo's personal bubble. The space between them was thin, not that Shizuo mined, but from this angle he could see right down Izaya's shirt. Some lewd thoughts made their way into his brain. he couldn't help it. He hadn't seen much of Izaya's body. 

"Do you have a type," Izaya asked. No, not really, but Shizuo didn't say that. He just stared Izaya right in the eyes and described Izaya himself.

"Dark hair, dark eyes, pale skin?" 

"Vampires? Okay, that's definitely a type." Izaya scanned the area for the unsuspecting candidate. He made eye contact with a couple of chicks and smiled before waving. Shizuo sighed. He was relieved that Izaya hadn't said anything about it. He wondered if Izaya even noticed that Shizuo was talking about him? Izaya wasn't gay, was he? He was just a meddler. Why else would he kiss Shinra? Wait, did he like Shinra? 

The girls walked over and returned the smile. They introduced themselves. Izaya smiled and started talking to them like they'd known each other for years. Shizuo wouldn't be surprised if they had. Izaya did know a lot of people. In fact, he was a little too good at this whole picking up chicks business. Leave it to the human observer. 

Shizuo pulled out a pack of cigarettes, he was about to light one when Izaya grabbed it out his hand, pack included, "Shizu-Chan? Haven't you been listening? And what do you think you're doing? You do know what happens when fire gets too close to alcohol, right?" Izaya snickered. "Anyway, this fine lady is going to let you buy her a drink," Izaya stated. He confiscated the cigarettes, and the lighter too, before placing them in his pocket. 

Izaya stood up and offered his seat to the fine woman, before draping his arm around the other girl and walking away. This left Shizuo with the brunette. "Hello," she said shyly. She said some more things but Shizuo wasn't paying attention, he just watched Izaya flirt off in the distance. Getting jealous wouldn't change a thing, but he couldn't stop his feelings. This was such a pain. Shinra's stupid idea was torturing him. 

The lady waved her hand in front of Shizuo's face. He glared, subconsciously. "What?" he growled. 

"Heiwajima-kun?" 

"Sorry," he apologized and looked at his hands. "I have an angry face."

"You weren't interested in me at all, were you?" she laughed. "I should've known. My friend is the cute one."

"No, it's not that, it's just..."

"Oh? Oh," she understood. "You didn't like her either. That's a relief. So, you must like him, right?" 

"How'd you know?" he looked surprised. Like it wasn't obvious...

"Let's just say, I can relate," she smiled and glanced to her friend. "She wanted me to come out here, to get a date, because I'm too cooped up in my room all of the time. But, I'm perfectly okay being alone, you know? I know she won't return the feelings so...I can spot someone else like that. It's easy." 

She inhaled and exhaled. "I'm the last one that should tell you this but...you should tell him how you feel or it'll be too late," she continued to smile but Shizuo noticed the sorrow hiding behind it. 

"Do you still wan't that drink?" 

"How about I just get you one and we'll call it a day?" She ordered something from the bartender and walked away. Well, that was awkward, wasn't it? He drank whatever it was the chick ordered and started to feel a bit fuzzy. Why did he keep forgetting important things? He had no tolerance for alcohol. 

Izaya glanced in Shizuo's direction and noticed that the master plan had gone wrong. Well, at least he could say that he tried, right? He apologized to the friend of the friend and returned to Shizuo's side. "Did you really get wasted because you drank one random drink?" 

"Iza-Chan?" Shizuo tried to talk but Izaya placed a finger on his lips. 

"You aren't making any sense. Don't talk, okay? And what the hell is an 'Iza-Chan'?" Izaya picked up the glass and sniffed it. Whatever mystery drink this was, it was pretty strong. What was that woman thinking? Izaya wrapped his arm around the taller male and escorted him out. Shizuo blushed profusely at the close contact with the information broker. 

"Shizu-Chan, you're blushing," he snickered. He must be really drunk, or maybe he just liked Izaya a lot more than Izaya thought he did. Could it be that he reciprocated his feelings this whole time? The thought crossed Izaya's mind but he pushed it back for the moment. Izaya needed to get this guy to a spot where he wouldn't hurt himself. 

"Should I break into your living quarters? Maybe I shouldn't, it would mess with you too much, no, I definitely should," Izaya smirked. "Where do you live Shizu-Chan?" 

"Am I allowed to talk now?" Shizuo hiccuped. "I live, uh, where do I live again? I don't know. It's not with you though, and that makes me sad."

"I shouldn't have asked," Izaya sighed. He would just have to find out via his usual method: the internet.


	4. Chapter 4

Izaya took Shizuo home and placed him on his bed. He was going to just plop him down and then leave. He was going to take the selfie, send it to Shinra, and leave everything as it was. That's totally what he was going to do. Yep, he didn't want at all to find an excuse to stay the night. Nope. Why would he do that? But, things don't always go according to plan and, of course, he did end up staying. 

"Iza-Chan," Shizuo wrapped his arms around Izaya's waist. He held him close and sniffed him. It was strange, to say the least, especially since Shizuo's head was very close to his crotch. "Where do you think you're going?" 

"I'm going home," Izaya answered honestly. "Don't you think you've had enough fun for one day? Aren't you tired?" Izaya grabbed Shizuo's arms and tried to pry them off of him. But, as we all know, Shizuo has superhuman strength. It was impossible.

"Make this yer new home," Shizuo rubbed his face in Izaya's chest. "I love you so much. Don't do the leaf thing. Please?"

Izaya stopped trying to pry Shizuo off of him. A drunk's words were really a sober man's thoughts, weren't they? He had read that somewhere and was hoping, truly hoping, that was the truth. Shizuo was very cute looking up at him like this while hugging him so tightly. "You've caught me," Izaya laughed. "After all of that running," Izaya ran his hand through Shizuo's hair. This overgrown cat nuzzled up to him. Even cuter. 

"You won't do the leaf thing?" Shizuo smiled. "Promise?"

"I promise," Izaya crossed his heart. "I am not going to do the leaf thing. Can you let go of me now?" Shizuo reluctantly let his arms fall. He plopped down on the bed and closed his eyes. 

"No leaf..." 

"No leaf," Izaya repeated. He let out a sigh and sat on the floor next to the bed. This was going to be a hell of a story. Shizuo was in a daze. He didn't know what was happening and he probably thought it was all a dream. Izaya wondered how much of it he _would_ remember. 

Then, out of absolutely nowhere, with absolutely no warning, Shizuo appeared and kissed Izaya. He giggled hysterically, "Spider-Man kiss."

"Bitch," Izaya shook his head, "It's 20 fuckin' 19. You can't Toby Maguire upside-down Spider-Man kiss me when we have a perfectly cute Tom Holland playing Spider-Man." Yes, that's right, priorities, Izaya has them. 

Wait. Kiss? Shizuo did? Holy fucking shiitake mushrooms. Izaya laid down on the floor and rolled to the other side of the room. He hid his face in his hands and blushed profusely. This was all happening too fast. Wait. Shizuo had also just confessed his love, didn't he? Why did Izaya completely ignore that? Fuck. 

"Iza-Chan?" Shizuo was half hanging off the bed now, "Can we make the babies?" 

"Damnit Shizu-Chan," Izaya sat up and let out a long sigh. "We can't make the babies. Do you realize how drunk you are? I don't want to wake up to a mad man with a hangover trying to strangle me in my sleep."

"What if...you're drunk too?" Shizuo's logic was astounding. Izaya was half tempted to crack open a beer and get wasted. What was stopping him? He wasn't exactly an angel. "Please make babies with me?" Shizuo tried again. 

"I'm going to be right back. Okay? I'm not going to do the leaf thing, I just need to get drunk..." Izaya promised. He got up and took a quick trip to the convenience store to buy a whole bunch of alcohol. He got so much the cashier looked sorry for him and asked 'That bad, huh?'

Izaya returned to Shizuo's place and lined up all of the beer. One can, right after the other, he just drank. He would _have_ to be completely and utterly out of his mind if he was going to agree to fuck Shizuo. Which he was, even before intoxication, but still...

Somewhere along the line Shizuo joined in. Now they were both completely and utterly out of their minds. Bonkers. "I want," Izaya giggled, "to make babies!" Izaya raised his drink in the air and continued giggling. 

"Babies!" Shizuo giggled and nearly fell over. Izaya held out his arm for Shizuo to grab onto but they both fell to the ground. Shizuo underneath Izaya. Their faces incredibly close. "You have so many muscles..." Shizuo observed as he felt every inch of Izaya. 

"I run a lot," Izaya laughed. "And I practice martial arts at times..." Izaya stared at Shizuo's face. He could actually get a good look at it from this position. He wasn't wearing sunglasses, that was a plus, and he was drunk so his expressions were a lot more _interesting_. 

Izaya kissed Shizuo. He just let their faces get a bit too close and then the sparks flew. Kissing didn't always feel like this. Was it the alcohol? The situation? The promise of sex? He didn't know and quite frankly he didn't care. All he knew was that he was kissing the man he'd wanted to kiss for years. Dreams do come true, don't they? 

"What are you going to do?" Shizuo asked. He looked nervous. Izaya enjoyed that nervousness.

"This," Izaya began to strip Shizuo. Shizuo began to strip Izaya. Izaya kissed Shizuo again. This would be the beginning to a long passionate make-out session between the two. Each time Shizuo tried to break away for a breath, Izaya didn't allow it. How long did Shizuo wait for this? How long did Izaya wait? Izaya would never let Shizuo go so easily now that the two were in this perfect predicament. It was great. Fantastic. What he has always wanted. It wasn't even Christmas and he'd gotten his present. 

Izaya felt every inch of Shizuo's mouth with his tongue. Kissing didn't always feel like this, whatever _this_ was. Shizuo could barely breathe. He panted. He struggled. His heart rate increased and his dazed state was even more dazed. Their lips remained interlocked whilst his body felt more and more heated. 

Dream? Reality? It didn't matter. This could be a glorified wet dream for all he cared. Izaya's mouth moved from Shizuo's. He left a trail of kisses down to the fake blonde's collarbone. "Stop," Shizuo whispered. 

"Oh?" Izaya licked Shizuo's skin. Shizuo flinched. "Do you really mean that though?" Shizuo let out a small groan when Izaya bit him. 

"Stop," Shizuo repeated. Izaya rolled off of Shizuo and closed his eyes. So much for making babies. He should've expected that. A nemesis doesn't fall in love with an enemy. All emotion drained from Izaya's face. He was sobering up. Time to go. Time to fucking go. 

The information broker stood up. He grabbed his pants, (that he'd taken off somewhere along the way) and made his way for the door. Shizuo was successfully taken home. Why the fuck did he stay here so long again? The alcohol in his bloodstream was still a bit wonky. Shizuo grabbed his ankle. 

"You said you wouldn't do the leaf thing," he whined. 

"You said you wanted to make babies," Izaya rolled his eyes. "Guess we are both liars, aren't we?"

"I didn't want you to go. I just wanted you to stop," Shizuo said. 

"What the hell do you want from me?" Izaya was starting to get a bit pissed off. Shizuo wanted to fuck. Then he didn't. Now he does again? Damn, this blonde bitch needs to get his head fixed. Both of them, actually. 

"The floor would hurt, wouldn't it?" Shizuo didn't actually know if it would or not. He'd lived his life completely unaware of how sex worked. His education was limited, porn didn't tell him about how to deal with real humans. He was being thoughtful, in his own way. 

"You're such a dumb fucker when you're drunk," Izaya sighed. "Get in the bed," he gestured. Shizuo did so, but he looked a bit disappointed. He knew Izaya wasn't going to have sex with him, somewhere deep down, his drunk self _knew_. 

Izaya laid down on the floor. It was time to sleep. Maybe in the morning, his hungover self would be in so much pain he could forget about it all. Wouldn't that be nice? "Maybe it's better this way," Shizuo yawned. "I want to be sober so I can enjoy the experience to the fullest," he closed his eyes and fell asleep immediately. Izaya, however, stayed up the entire night, unsure of how the fuck to react to that.


	5. Chapter 5

Shinra called Izaya up first thing in the morning the next day. He wanted to know how everything turned out. Was Shizuo finally going to leave him alone? Was he going to stop getting into so many fights? "How did it go? Did you find him a girl? Is he no longer single? Did he at least fuck someone?" Shinra asked question after question. His voice was loud so Izaya held the phone away from his ear. He should've turned it on silent, not that he had gotten any sleep. 

Izaya refused to say anything. He was too busy trying to maintain the massive headache pounding in his ears. "He got laid," Izaya lied. They would've fucked, if you know, Shizuo wasn't such a Shizuo. "It might become a permanent thing in the future. You should be good."

"Well? Who is it? Give me the details!" Shinra asked, quite eager for the fruit of his labor. Not that he had actually done anything productive. 

"It's, uh," Izaya paused. Did he really want to tell Shinra this? The guy would flip out. He would go on a fudanshi rampage about how he always knew the truth about them. "It's me," Izaya said. Fuck it. What was the worst thing that could happen? The two didn't even fuck. 

"What?" 

"Me. I done fucked your #1 patient. You're welcome. Thanks for the payment. Goodbye, bitch," Izaya hung up and exhaled. He rubbed his forehead and stood up. The floor wasn't comfortable. He, no doubt, had bags under his eyes from having not slept. 

"What the fuck? Izaya?" Shinra looked at his phone. "Fucker hung up on me! Damnit! You bastard! I told you to be the wingman, not the _date_! You had one fucking job," Shinra rolled his eyes and threw the phone. Well, at least Shizuo won't be around for a while. That was a plus. Maybe he could go on a date with Celty. 

"We..." Shizuo began. Izaya mentally cursed. He didn't think Shizuo was awake. Izaya put on a traditional fake grin before turning around. 

"We made babies. So many," Izaya placed a hand on Shizuo's shoulder. "You might be pregnant." 

"Are you fucking with me?" Shizuo's eyebrows furrowed and he nearly bit his lip to keep from snapping. 

"No, God no, Me? Fucking with you?" Izaya grimaced. "It's not like that's my day-by-day job or anything," he tilted his head back and laughed. "But I might be fucking you. Do you remember anything about last night? All those positions I put you in?" 

"What are you talking about?" Shizuo's migraine started kicking in. He groaned and held his head. Hangovers were shit. He didn't remember a single thing about last night. 

Izaya sat on Shizuo's lap, straddling him, with his arms draped over the fake blonde's shoulders. "Do you want me to jog your memory?" he leaned in, so close to Shizuo's face that they were breathing the same air. 

"Is this a joke to you?" Shizuo asked. He didn't know if Izaya was telling the truth but he could see the bags underneath his eyes and the fact that they were both dealing with some major brain pain. It was likely they got drunk but didn't do anything. Izaya had to have been awake the entire night but not because of sex.

"No, darling, nothing is a joke to me," Izaya moved Shizuo's hair and put it behind his ears. "It's all just very entertaining. You confessed what you were really thinking a lot easier when you were drunk. What do you think you told me? Hm, Shizu-Chan? What do you think you said?"

Shizuo was afraid. He knew what was likely. He didn't want to admit that he'd confessed while completely out of his mind. "You said..." Izaya's lips grazed Shizuo's before he moved over to his ear. "That you hate my guts. You tried to kill me, at least three times, I didn't know you had it in you. But, apparently, our date night is over. It was fun while it lasted. We're back to being enemies. Isn't that sad?" Izaya got off of Shizuo and went to the bathroom. He turned his head to look at Shizuo one last time. "If you don't mind, please let me get some sleep. I'll sleep in the tub, but I need to sleep, okay? I'll be out of your hair soon." 

"Wait," Shizuo couldn't look Izaya in the eyes. He just stared at his hands. "Did I really...?" He looked terrified of himself as if he thought he was the monster Izaya had been telling him he was all of these years. 

"Don't let it get to you. Everyone and their cousin want to kill me," Izaya shrugged and closed the bathroom door. He crawled into the tub and sighed. It was uncomfortable, but he was really really tired. 

"Izaya?" Shizuo knocked on the door. "I'm sorry. I've tried really hard over the years to control my...anger issues. I'm sorry." Izaya could hear the sounds of sniffling and the thump of Shizuo hitting the ground. 

Izaya crawled out of the bathtub and opened the door. Shizuo fell backward. His head hit the floor but he didn't care. He had an arm covering his eyes. That wasn't enough to hide the tears. "Hey, Shizu-Chan, you don't have to be so apologetic...honestly..."

"But I hurt you. I always hurt you. Why? All I ever wanted to do was love you. I love you, Izaya. I don't hate you."

"You weren't just being drunk?" Izaya was shocked. His eyebrows raised. His mouth dropped a little. He saw a flash of anger in Shizuo's eyes. "Don't blow your top. I didn't lie because I was being a dick. Okay? I lied because I didn't..."

"You didn't what?" Shizuo stood up and grabbed Izaya's shirt. He pushed him into the wall and grit his teeth. 

"I didn't think you actually meant it! I thought it would be better if we went back to hating each other. I," Izaya clenched his fist. His eyes started to water. "I wanted..." His voice cracked. He put his hand over his mouth and looked away. 

"You _want_ me to hate you?" Shizuo honestly didn't know what emotions were running through his head. His anger was gone the moment he saw Izaya this vulnerable. 

"No, I don't know, Shizu-Chan. You know what I am, you know what I do. Do you honestly think I have it in me to feel _good_ emotions? I can't love anyone. I can't even be anyone. I'm just...well...I'm a fuckin' flea, aren't I? I'm a bane to human existence. I wasn't saying shit because I, well, I don't know. I'm hungover. You're hungover. I just want to take a nap. I can't think about anythi-" Shizuo kissed him. The kiss escalated. It was just what the two needed. A nice step in the right direction, or the wrong one, but hangovers needed to be relieved somehow. What better way to forget your pain than with a little comfort? 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the nsfw chapter for those that don't want to read...

Shizuo pushed Izaya up on the wall. He slid him up and Izaya wrapped his legs around Shizuo's neck. The fake blonde sucked on that cock. He sucked it long and hard. Izaya moaned. His moans weren't loud or obnoxious. They weren't quiet either. They sounded just like he normally did. They sounded like the bastard he was, as if he was faking it, just a bit, making it seem like an actor's errand. Shizuo knew it wasn't like that. He knew Izaya was hungover and he was in pain, that this was a nice relief to that pain, even if he still hurt. He knew that Izaya's heart hurt too. They'd both been wronged by society. Karma was a bitch? No, society is the real bitch here.

Izaya didn't realize how passionate Shizuo was until this moment. His tongue massaging his shaft was a nice touch. The little thing he did when he got to the tip. The satisfaction on his face when Izaya came, when Izaya filled his mouth with semen. He was an animal. He was hungry. Izaya was the food.

"Shi..." Izaya moaned again before he could finish. He was getting hard, again, how many times had this been? He'd lost count. His brain was fazed and his life was falling to pieces. It was fine. It was all fine. He had a bleached blonde bitch sucking his dick while he was pinned against the wall of a bathroom. What could be better? Perhaps a good nights sleep. That was really nice...fuck. But, who needs to sleep? Sleep is for the weak.

The raven head's back arched and his head lulled to the side. He was panting, sweating, cumming, but what else was new? He couldn't figure out if he was half asleep or if he had a fever. One thing was for sure, he definitely needed to know how Shizuo got so good at sucking dick. How many dicks had he sucked before he got like this? Maybe it was a talent. Izaya would have to look it up later.

Izaya didn't have the strength to keep up this position any longer. It was a good thing Shizuo was a superhuman (even when tired and hungover). Izaya's arms fell to his sides. His legs lost their grip. Shizuo grabbed Izaya's legs. The firm hands were enough to snap Izaya's eyes open for a little longer.

Shizuo's mouth moved from Izaya's crotch to his lower abdomen. He slid Izaya's legs down around his shoulders but continued to lick all the way to his nipples. He sucked them for a bit before letting Izaya stand on his own two feet. Izaya nearly fell over.

"Shi...?" Izaya tried his best to keep his eyes open but he'd reached his limit. He fell into Shizuo's arms. Those nice, big, sturdy arms and he fell asleep. He fell asleep standing. Shizuo carried him to the bed and plopped him down, gently of course. He laid down too, strangely tired even though he had actually fallen asleep somewhat the night before.

...

Shizuo woke up to an empty bed with a note on his pillow. He groaned. His headache still not completely gone, but it wasn't as bad as before. Shizuo picked up the note:

Hey! Mornin' Hot Stuff,

You probably just woke up and groaned because of how awesome a time you had in the past couple of days. If you ever want to continue where we left off...you know where I live. <3 Come visit me sweet cheeks. I gave you a key; it's taped to the back of this note.

There is also my number.

Much love,  
Izaya <3

P. S. You're very adorable when you're drunk.

The note really pissed off Shizuo. He didn't know why it did, it just did. Everything about Izaya irritated him; everyone knew that. Why did he fall for this guy again? Shizuo sighed. He looked at the clothes that he'd bought with Izaya. They smelled awful, so he changed into his normal bartender attire. He thought about what Izaya had said about people recognizing him...but he didn't care. He put on his sunglasses and took out a cigarette.

"I'm going to kill him," Shizuo said. He grabbed the key and snuffed out the cigarette before making his way to Shinjuku. His phone vibrated in his pocket. Izaya had sent him a message.

Izaya: I know I gave you my number and everything, but I didn't think you'd ever text me first.

Izaya: So, here I am, texting you, while you're on your way to see me.

Shizuo: How did you know that?

Izaya: Oh? So I was right? ;)

Shizuo put his phone back in his pocket and sighed again. Maybe he shouldn't actually go to Shinjuku. Maybe he should just wander the streets of Ikebukuro like usual. The fur trimmed jacket of old appeared in the corner of his eye. Izaya's laughter and a casual comment reached his ears. "I knew you wouldn't go. Guess we will just have to do the usual then. Try and catch me Shizu-Chan. I promise to go on a date with you if you do.~"

"Who the hell wants to go on a date with you?"

"You," Izaya winked before starting his run.

"Damn straight."


	7. Chapter 7

The lady sat at the bar table again. She visited this place regularly. The news was on so she stared at the tv absentmindedly. Yep, same usual scene. Izaya Orihara and Shizuo Heiwajima running around the streets of the city. She smiled. Wonderful.

"I'm glad my little plan worked. They finally confessed to each other. Getting him that drink was the best idea I've had yet," she said. She smiled.

"I don't know what you mean," the bartender replied. "They look the same as always." He shook his head at her statement. This chick had to be on some sort of drugs to think those two men loved each other when they so clearly hated each other.

"Yeah. You're right. To you they probably look like two people cut from totally different cloths. They look like they hate each other, and they do, but have you ever heard the saying 'opposites attract'?" She took a sip of her glass and smiled widely.

"What makes you so sure they're gay for each other?" the bartender asked.

"Because, well, I'm a fangirl," she winked. "My word is law."


End file.
